Once Upon A Time At Hogwarts
by Silverdanica
Summary: Sirius' friends will deal with his flamboyant bisexuality, he knows that, but how will a certain person cope with his biggest secret, if he gets round to telling, that is. Sirius/Remus, told through Sirius' journal. WIP.
1. Chapter 1: Out

_Once Upon a Time at Hogwarts_

Chapter 1

Rating: Pg-13 (may increase, depending on whether I give into Sirius/Remus shaped temptation ;-D)

Summary: "It's hard being attractive and popular. No, really, it is." Sirius' friends will deal with his flamboyant bisexuality, he knows that, but how will a certain person cope with his biggest secret, if he gets round to telling, that is. Sirius/Remus, told through Sirius' journal. WIP.

Disclaimer: the characters belong to JK Rowling, the lust is all my own.

A/N: My first attempt to write something long, so we'll see how it goes...   


**October 20th**

Haha! Well I told them all that I'm bisexual, a swinging nutter! And they pretty much reacted how I had expected - well, mainly. James laughed, and proceeded to think of as many derogatory gay names as possible (fudgepacker was his favourite, I recall.) Lily claimed she already knew and scolded James for his teasing. Peter merely looked rather terrified, as he always does. Remus, though, well he looked more interested than I would have thought, or perhaps that was just my imagination.

This all kicked off really when Remus came back this September. I'd guessed before then that women weren't really, well, _enough_ for me, of course, but that warm September morning in King's Cross completely opened my eyes. Remus' parents had taken him on holiday that summer and he'd gotten a tan that took away that pasty quality his face used to have. He glowed, literally, and the moment he stepped onto the platform every pair of eyes fell upon him. I felt as if I should have said something, but there was no need; we all knew - _he_ knew - that the Remus Lupin who had left us, weak and bashful, at the end of our fourth year was not the same Remus Lupin who greeted us on that humid late summer morn. He had grown - into himself, if that makes any sense. He was comfortable in his own skin, and it was plain to see, to everyone from Severus Snape up. 

That grated me something rotten, that it took me as long to see the beautiful, brave - confident? - person Remus is, as some twit like Snape. Well, anyway, it was then I knew. When Remus called out, "Siri," and the crowds parted as he ran towards me, the golden hair he'd allowed to grow out slightly sweeping over his face, and he dropped his cases to hug me and I had to *think* to make myself breathe. 

My! If I didn't know myself so well, I'd say it was love. It's just lust though, I'm sure, mixed with friendly affection. Even if it did help open my eyes. 

And I may be able to tell them about the whole boys-and-girls thing, but there's no way I'm ready to tell them _this_. You know, it's hard being attractive and popular. No, really, it is. You see, it's the high and mighty who fall the hardest. 

_A/N: Eeek, I know, I know. Please give me some constructive criticism, if you can. _


	2. Chapter 2: Introspection

_Chapter 2_

Disclaimer: Still don't own them, still lust after them.

Thanks for the lovely reviews. I'll keep trying to write stuff worth reading :o) 

  
**October 21st**

Gods, James has been on at me something rotten. I wasn't ready to tell *anyone* about Remus, but I appear to have told James, our mutual best friend, of all people. It's particularly odd seeing as I can't usually even admit it to myself. Well anyway, he cornered me before breakfast.. 

"You know, Peter thinks you fancy him," he said, slyly. (Grr. The four-eyed little squirt.) 

"Eargh. Being bisexual doesn't mean I fancy everybody. Eargh. Peter. Yuk." 

"Well, there must be someone, surely..." Pause. "I'll start thinking it's me if you don't tell." 

"There isn't. And it's not you." 

"Ha! You idiot, by saying it's not me, you're confirming that there _is_ someone." 

Damn. 

"So?" James prompted. 

"Honestly, James, does it really matter?" See? I tried to put him off, I really did. 

"I'm your best friend. It matters to me." 

"You cheeky sod." 

"What?" he asked, with a mock innocence. 

"This 'I care about you' nonsense. You're just bloody nosy." 

"Yeah, well... I'm not going to leave you alone so you may as well tell me." 

"Hmmm... Well, if it's not you and it's not Pete, then who else could it be?" 

He gaped. I've never seen his mouth open that wide. (Eek. That sounded _bad_). "No! Oh, Sirius, not... Gods, I was only joking about our friends. I thought it would just be that Diggory guy in 7th year or something... Sorry, mate, that must be hard." 

"It's not serious, James, really..." 

"Are you sure?" 

"Yes." 

But honestly, in an I-can-take-this-back-at-any-time way, I'm not that sure at all. 

****

I'd say it was the beginning of winter today. Remus came in late today with bright red cheeks and streaming eyes, as if he'd been attacked by a sharp easterly wind. I love the way people look in winter: flushed faces, wind-ruffled hair, snowflakes melting on their skin and clothes leaving this damp; this perfectly thin liquid layer, that cannot quite be washed away, and stays until spring blows it away.. 

Anyway, I was waiting up for Remus as he'd mentioned that he wanted to speak to me about something, and though I'm still distinctly terrified that James can't keep his stupid mouth shut, I never miss the chance for some alone time with Remus. But despite calling out to him, asking if he was all right, he just flounced past, in that ridiculously graceful way of his. 

I found my mind just drifting off in front of the common room fire, in a bizarrely introspective mood. I don't usually bother with thinking, I just _do_. However bad that sounds, it's a good way to live: no doubts, no regrets. But I just can't do it with Remus, it's not just my pride I'd be risking if I were to do something stupid, if you know what I mean.. Although by tonight's performance, I appear to have upset him anyway. 

Sometimes I wonder if there is any point lusting after _anyone_, as I'm so completely emotionally inept that I'd never be able to treat anyone properly in a relationship. And could you imagine if Remus read _this_?! Merlin! What would he think of me? Spontaneous Sirius, wasting his life on a hopeless lo.. hopeless something. 

Although actually, I doubt he thinks about me much at all. 

_A/N: Well, at least it was longer :o)_


	3. Chapter 3: Rivalry

_Chapter 3_

Disclaimer: They ain't no dogs o' mine 

  
**October 22nd**

Breakfast was particularly odd today. I'm not usually last to wake, honest, but this morning by the time I stumbled down to the Great Hall, everyone else was practically finished. (All that thinking yesterday must have tired me out. Or perhaps 'twas just my Remus-shaped dreams...) 

Tried asking Remus what in Merlin's name he was playing at last night, but he just mumbled something and exchanged worried glances with Lily. They've doing a lot of that all day, and it's really been setting me on edge. Even James, Lils' boyfriend, was getting twitchy, and he's not usually the envious kind. I've been getting carried away with all these very worrying - but hopefully absurd - theories forming in my head: a secret affair, someone catching them in the act, Lily getting pregnant! Ridiculous, I'm sure. 

I had hoped that speaking to James about it might reassure me, but all he did was scowl and say, "I knew it. You're in love with him." Well thanks a lot, Jamie, worry me further. I'm not ready for love! As much as I hate to admit it, I'm too much of a child, surely! I haven't really been through enough to know how to handle love. I didn't know what I expected from my lusting after Remus, but it certainly wasn't _this_, that feeling that I **won't** put a name to. I guess I didn't expect anything to come of it; I thought I'd grow out of it by now. Whoops... 

****

Well, um, I kind of, er, goaded James into having it out with Lily. Seriously though, I did look really bad: all the whispers and glances were very suspicious. I knew James was trying to calm himself down, but me hissing, "What if she's pregnant or something?" was more than enough to push him over the edge. Gods, I'm a bad friend, pushing his buttons like that. James and Lily haven't even slept together yet; I know it would kill him if... well... But I just _had_ to know. The suspicion was killing _me_. 

So, we managed to get Lily alone, and James managed to somehow form the words to ask, "Is something going on between you and Remus?" 

I thought she was going to hit him, really. "WHAT?!" She exclaimed, and her eyes fell on me. "What's this got to do with him? Being typically foolhardy is he?" Lily asked James, and I wondered which, exactly, of my incidences of foolhardiness she was referring to... 

"Oh, he's in love with Remus," James said offhandedly, and again asked Lily, "So?" 

I couldn't believe it, not only had he told someone, he'd told _Lily_, who is clearly in cahoots with Remus, AND he said I'm in love. Aargh! "I'm not in love, it's nothing, really, I'm not ready for love, I'm just confused, and I'm -" 

"Yeah, whatever, mate, keep telling yourself that," James snapped, impatiently. 

Lily was staring at me. "So you _do_ like Remus?" 

I was about to say that it didn't matter because I'm so weird that I can't even form the appropriate emotions for a crush, so a relationship would be almost impossible when James interrupted. "Jealous, are we?" he asked, angrily. (And I thought he was free of envy!) 

"James," she soothed. "Don't be silly. I love you, I would _never_ betray you like that. Besides, I don't think I'm Remus' type." 

I said, "What do you mean?" just as James asked, "Are you sure?" 

Lily smiled, "Of course I'm sure," and took James' hand, sending a pang of jealousy through me. If I'm so 'cool' and popular and _loved_, why am I completely incapable of _that_?? Anyway, then she turned to me and took a deep breath. "I shouldn't be telling you this, but you're such a fool that I'm going to have to - " 

What? I was meant to figure something out? Only goes to show how completely clueless I am about emotions. Clueless and useless. 

" - Remus is gay, Sirius. He broke up with his boyfriend when he found out you - er - swing that way, too. He was hoping that you'd tell him how you feel. He thought he'd figured everything out, but began to question himself when you didn't say anything 'cos he thinks you're, ummm, really confident." She cocked an eyebrow, as if she's figured out how ridiculous that idea is. 

I was speechless. 

"Remus wants you to tell him how you feel, Sirius. Can you do that?" 

Oh _shit._


	4. Chapter 4: Revelations

_Chapter 4_

Disclaimer: The characters of the Harry Potter series are JK Rowling's. All I have is paper thin plots ;o)

A/N: Sirius went a bit crazy in the last chapter - my apologies. Thank you so much for the notes though. I've got exams coming up soon, but I'll try to keep writing and reviewing others' work as often as possible :o) 

  
  
**October 23rd**

Thinking about it, it really all comes down to who is more important to me: Remus or myself? Do I protect my own heart, at the sake of his?... Well, obviously, I do! I may be a bit emotionally _terrified_ - a bit self-absorbed sometimes, too - but Remus single-handedly woke me up to my sexuality! I'd be an idiot not to; it's that simple. 

It's that simple. But I'm all talk, I always have been. It's that simple. But what if he changes his mind? It's that simple. But I'm not good enough for him! No. It's that simple. 

Before she passed on, my ma used to say that love is the most beautiful thing in the world. The most powerful, too. More so than any wizard or any spell. Jamie and Lils have it; you can see it in their every touch, their every glance. The way James would throw himself in front of the Hogwarts Express for Lily, and would still be telling her he loved her as did it. And that was a really morbid example and a completely unworthy description, but I want that, I want love. And I'm not so naive that I think that comes without risking one's heart. 

****

When I found him, he was sitting beside the lake, just watching the water. If it had been me, I'd have to skim stones or dip my toes or something, but Remus just knelt calmly as his tranquil moon cast his slender shadow behind him. I almost wished not to disturb his peace, but it feels like I've procrastinated enough for a lifetime. 

It was only as I sat down next to him that I realised he was shivering slightly in the crisp late autumn air. 

"Remus! You must be freezing. Are you mad?" 

He frowned at me and I felt awfully silly. "It's fine, Sirius. I don't mind the cold." 

"No, seriously, your hands are purple." Honestly, I _was_ genuinely concerned as I clasped his hands within my own and brought them to my mouth, blowing on them slightly. 

He breathed in sharply, but softened, so my hesitation was but momentary. My next action was almost subconscious - so natural that I barely realised what I was doing. My lips brushed against his fingers, and gently formed a light kiss. And another, tracing a line on his clasped hands. 

"Umm.. Sirius.." 

Consumed with self-doubt, convinced of rejection, I attempted to jump back, but Remus - with his wolf reflexes - managed to grab my wrist. 

"No, um.." He looked away, hesitating. 

"No? But I thought.." Had Lily got it wrong? Perhaps she was getting me back for some mindless prank of mine. 

"Hush, Sirius!" He flapped a flippant hand at my questioning, and pulled my closer, cupping my face in his spare palm. Remus' hands may still have been cold, but I swear, the _touch_ burnt like I'd been slapped. "I was just going to say that.. well.. my lips are rather cold, too," he whispered, looking at me desperately. It was the same gaze that met mine on the day we first confronted him about being a werewolf. And yet it was so much more, and _we_ were so much more, strangely.. 

Well, of course I kissed him, even though I was so terrified that I feared my heart might beat its way out of my chest! I could tell you there were so many things wrong with it - slightly awkward, a little unsure - but when he pulled away I felt so perfect and bloody lucky that I could barely engage my brain long enough to form words. 

"Wow, um, gods, I still can't believe you like me, too. I'm so glad Lils told me." 

He looked at me quizzically, panicking me: Perhaps Lily told me in confidence. "Lily knew I like you? How could she possibly?.. Well, she must put things together faster than I thought!" And he grinned. 

"What?!" I exclaimed, startling us both. "So as far as Lily _knows_ for sure, you just think of me as a friend?!" He nodded. "I can't believe it. I could have ruined everything, not to mention completely humiliated myself!" 

Luckily, Remus shut me up by kissing me forcefully. "You're just too sweet when you're all flustered," he mumbled against my lips, and I suddenly felt rather dizzy. Could it get any better? 

Though Lils had better watch out if this floaty feeling doesn't last. 


End file.
